EUROVISION 2012

That title was a warning!!!

If you have NOT watched Eurovision 2012 yet then please do not read any further!!!

So ladies and gentlemen what a night! What a Show!
Azerbaijan hosted the competition in Baku.
Great Britain started the ball rolling with Englebert Humperdink. Oh dear, and where did we finish? Second to last, poor old Norway at the bottom (although I thought there's was pretty good!)


Who were my favourites?
Russia - Singing grannies, and i'm so so pleased they came second, well deserved!
Iceland - Never Forget - Possibly the best song of the night, deserved to do so much better than they did!
Norway - Just failed
Jedward - Well done boys a valliant effort. Not as good as last year, the novelty has worn off!!


My shock/ memorable moments?
ALBANIA - Just wtf????? Its a singing competition isn't it? NOT shouting! Jesus christ woman!
Israel - quite catchy, enjoyed the song
Moldova - The woman dancing in the pink tutu......too much red bull? 
I liked the Greek entry, typical eurovision pop!


And LORDI doing the votes from Finland! An added bonus!


Also well done to Graham Norton on his flawless commentary, always makes us chuckle!


And we have our winner!
Euphoria - Sweden. When I first heard it in the semi-finals I knew it had to do well and I believed it would win. A worthy winner. That sort of sound is very in (even if the dance moves aren't!)

Rehearsal number.....can't remember!

Yup
Another Sunday, another rehearsal.
This was our first time in the new venue, it's outdoors. I won't reveal on here where exactly it is, but apparently people do know.


Quite alot of blocking happening today. They created an area the exact size of the stadium, and believe me you feel like an ant inside it! They spent time blocking us, so we knew were exactly we would need to be, what direction to travel etc.


We went through the routines. Painfully they keep adding new pieces on (my brain couldn't take too much today). I think it was easier to dance outside, but I swear there is less room. Without revealing too much we dancers need alot of space to work in, and somehow we just don't have it.


Also spent time "funneling" (watch on the 27th July and all will be revealed.) We worked out where trap doors will be, YES I FINALLY GET TO USE A TRAP DOOR!


Also did a little partner work. Standing close by our dance partner in a SPOONING fashion. Always rather odd to be spooning someone you only met a few minutes ago! Although he was a rather nice boy! The choreography for this number in particular is very challenging on the brain, think quickly! Did hit one or two close dancers on various parts of their bodies! 


All in all a good rehearsal. We have been told make-up ideas and costume changes. I haven't yet resolved my costume drama, but watch this space.....


Trust me, it is BLOODY HARD to not reveal just little snippets of information. After today I do feel more excited, as the scale of what we are part of slowly becomes real.

Strange Noises

Really should be asleep by now, got to be up at 6am tomorrow for another rehearsal!


MEH LOL
Sleep pattern is totally up the wall at the moment, i'm sure I will be awake until about 2am (as I usually am!)


Can I just say thank you to those who have written to me regarding posts on here. I appreciate the love! lol


Seriously just lying in bed now, all I can hear is eeirie banging noises coming from outside.....
Thats one thing I HATE about being on my own. When it comes to nightime, any noises are multiplied and amplified.
Listening......they sound like fireworks. (i hope)


11pm and FIREWORKS?!? REALLY? Isn't that illegal?


Anyway, yes another rehearsal tomorrow. First time in the new secret venue. And it's outdoors. The team want to get us used to performing outside and it will be the first time that all 1400 of us dancers will be performing together.


SCARY STUFF!


Okay that noise is still going on.
Freaking me out......am going to just lie here very still........can i just say that it is scary because it sounds like someone banging on my front door. :S help

Confessions of someone who has completely lost their way

My cat heard me crying and came running. Bless her. She doesn't usually, more likely she wants her dinner!
Okay, So I will hold my hands up and admit that I have never been one to control my emotions. I occasionally (like most people) need a bit of a cry.


I'm still stuck in this horrible pit of comparing myself to others. I always have done it, but recently it was all triggered off again by my meal out with old friends about a month ago. Unfortunately it knocked my confidence ALOT, and since then all I ever seem to do is spend my days.....almost longing for my life back again.


So to recap:
Left school at 16 with 9 GCSE's A*-B
Went onto 6th form - 3 AS levels B's and 2 aLevels C,D


I feel that anything I have achieved since then is just bollocks. Every extra qualification i've got, every bit of charity work i've done and every day of work experience I completed has led to nothing, and is appreciated by noone. 


I have a goal for September that I keep on telling people, but it seems good enough for nobody. I doubt myself because of what others say to me. Believe me, being torn between 2 posts is the worst feeling in the world. I walk towards something that I think I want, and that I think is good. But then suddenly i'm pulled in the other direction.
What pulls me that way?
People's comments. It could be anybody. To be honest, the worst people are those who are my own age. People I went to school with. I can think of 1 person in the whole of my 6th form who didn't go to uni (bar myself) and even they haven't exactly made a massive success of themselves, but they seem happy!

 I for one am not happy. 
People say they need the degree for jobs. Money is everything. Pushy Parents. Employers don't look at people with no degrees apparently.....does that mean me?


I'm sick and tired of it. People don't seem to realise how much their comments affect me. They are pushing me backwards when I was trying to move forwards. I gave up so much for my "friends" thinking that I possibly was as important in their lives as they in mine, for about 99.5% of the time I have been proved wrong. And as stated in previous posts, my friend count is now minimal. I have literally got nobody to turn to. 
My head is about to explode under the pressure that I feel i'm under. I even got so worked up earlier that I smashed my frame containing my Beauty Therapy Diploma.......


I have lost my way, and am unbelievably off course. Only 21, yet have so many regrets in life, mainly about my education. AND EDUCATION WAS NEVER THAT IMPORTANT TO ME! See what my bloody 6th form did to me (which by the way, is one of my biggest regrets)


Sometimes I can just pick myself up, but unfortunately the last month, I haven't been able to do that........the world is pushing me back into a hole that I have only just struggled out of

Looking at Others....

Teaches you a lot about yourself!


Having to sit through the final of BGT, and so this is perfect Facebook trawling time. 
Im also slightly drunk, so it's taking me extra long to write this.....having to think harder. And im not making any sense


Looking at dickheads from my 6th form, who were formerly my friends.
Pictures of them, all hanging out. 
And i'm sitting here thinking how much I hate going out and socializing. I used to be "one of them" when I was at 6th form, but I don't believe that was the real me. I wouldn't choose to go out, I would hate things like pub crawls.....
What is annoying is people around me who were once apparently "ANTI-SOCIAL" all I ever fucking see is the opposite. People are damn lying to me! That's all anyone EVER does to me. Seriously wish I could LIST PEOPLE BY NAME....infact
***** ********
*** ******
*** ******
**** *******
*** **********
***** *******
***** ****
****
**** *****
YES THESE ARE NAMES.......grrrrrrrrrrrrrRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! People need to put their boobs away, put the bottle away, close their legs, shut their mouths, smoking isn't cool, piercings aren't cool. 


So NO I am not a social person. I won't go out of my way to be social. Don't get me wrong, I have confidence in order to talk to people.....i'm not a social hermit. I just hate parties, clubbing, meals out, pubs etc
I'd much rather sit on my own. One reason I didn't go to uni was because I knew I wouldn't be able to hack the social life.


Call me a loser if you want. I don't care.


Seriously might actually go all the way and say that I hate people all together.
I'm mega tired right now too. Have been so tired lately, been doing too much during the day. :( 
Im tired :'( but hey, what does it matter what I am

Some things are just beyond saving.

That's when you have to let go.......

Breakfast Order - 1 Double Chocolate Muffin

Morning All!
Notice the absence of the word "good" here....


I see on the internet all the time, all these pictures claiming "WHAT A DIFFERENCE A WEEK MAKES". There are quite a few around our country at the moment, what with our rather unpredictable British May Weather! But seriously, what a difference a week makes......


I've had a morning of it already, and its only 8:45. A disturbed nights sleep, only because I knew my alarm was set for 7:00am! Had to walk a mile to catch a 8:30 train, which was cancelled, with a slower BUS REPLACEMENT service in place. Seeing as I had a quick turn around anyway at the next station, I thought "sod it", nothing is that important, and so I turned on my heels and walked briskly home, picking up a double chocolate muffin on the way.


Weighing up things in life. Sometimes they are just not worth the effort that you put in.
A job is not worth the money you get. A relationship is not worth the heartache you suffer. A project is not worth the effort you put it.


So many moments in life when one just has enough of something, and just says "SOD IT". Noone else can say it for you, only yourself. 


And boo, i've finished my muffin. At least I have another one! :) 

Seriously......

Just when you think you find something special....

It turns out to be another pile of crap!

WHY IS IT ALWAYS LIKE THAT?

I'm obviously like a magpie, but the opposite. Magpies are attracted to shiny things....i'm obviously attracted to.....absolute crap. (I could use harsher words!)

Ah well, the rain is going to fall....again! And I shall now go and kill myself on the road no doubt while trying to deliver a rabbit hutch that is too big for my car. Must remember to open the windows as driving with the boot open allows all the carbon monoxide in.......wooo (!)

And one of these days, I will take the brave route and delete my facebook account!

Waiting Game.......

Monopoly is one of those games that people hate playing, they get bored. It lasts for too long, sometimes a single game can last many sessions of playing!

Life is a game

For some the game can be over quickly, for others the game continues for many years.

In life there are winners and losers

Like Monopoly, we move forward, around the board and back to where we started. Life is a continuous circle, doing the same things each day to keep us ticking along.

Occasionally along the path we will encounter problems, bills, jail (for some!), luck, chance, helping friends etc

We buy and sell properties, making money to pay off bills and rent, more often than not mortgages!

So that was the end of my MONOPOLY, life comparison! lol

But basically life is a game, sometimes a waiting game. People wait for fortune or misfortune to come their way. People wait for others, or wait for something to fall into their lap.

I often think about my life as a waiting game. I'm 21. Some people have already got a business at that age, or are just leaving university, some even have kids.

A 3 year relationship. That's what i'm in. Some people are married after just a year with their partner, others have had multiple partners in 3 years, some are engaged, or some have children. You do sometimes feel like you are in the minority.

 My relationship has been unbelievably hard work! On both parts! Long distances, and completely different family values all contribute to the rocky times. My partner is a school year younger than me, and unfortunately has only just started uni (sep 2011). He is in one of the top universities in this country for his chosen course, and the pressure is on. He is a top achiever however for most of his life "intelligence" has come naturally. Uni work appears to be a massive shock to the system!

So he's one end of the country, and I'm the other. Out of 3 years together.....I have spent.....3 years waiting for him! Yet everytime I believe we will be together, something crops up. A new opportunity. A change of heart. A change of plan. Family.

The feeling of being in love is so amazing, and to be loved is the best feeling in the world and I wouldn't want to lose that for anything! Yet, everytime we are parted, its like a thousand knives being slowly pushed into every part of your body. And any hopes of being "together" are dashed once more.

And so the wait goes on.....the uni course is at least 3 more years. (the equivalent to the amount of time we have already been together)

There are no solutions. There is no answer. I can't give up my life and be with him, and he cannot give up his to be with me. Its the worst place to be stuck in, with no obvious way out.

Tip: For all people out looking for love. Be careful who you fall in love with. Find out as much as you can about them before doing so! Otherwise it'ts just heartache waiting to happen.I didn't find out enough.......and look what a mess i'm in. 

Facebook

FACEBOOK P****S me OFF!!!

Have just spent the best part of 45 minutes deleting so called "friends", or basically people I seriously don't want watching my life!

Deleting myself from groups

And deleting photos of myself or people again I don't want in my life

GrrrrrrRRRRRRR

Rant over

Self-Confidence, can you ever be happy with yourself?

How many times I have used the excuse on people

"I have low self-confidence"

Its so true though! I have always lacked self-confidence. Something that many people around me appear to have in excess!

I believe there is a difference between:

a) Being low in self-confidence

b) Just generally fishing for compliments, knowing that you were good

Those who have crossed my path in life in many different forms have commented on my lack of self-confidence, everything from my P.E teacher saying "She can hit the ball, she needs to believe that she can", to my art teacher "She is talented, she needs to believe it", to my housemistress "You are good at things, your an all rounder, you need to believe in yourself", to my driving instructor "You CAN do it! Stop doubting yourself".

Words that ring in my ears constantly, but never seem to hit me.

WHY?

Well, for every 9 people that tell me I am good at something, there will always be 1 who disagrees. Its the comment from that ONE person that I hear, and I lose the compliments from others.

There was a student at my 6th form, who was an amazing, top class actor, yet he never believed it. However looking back, I really do believe he was fishing for compliments! He knew he was good, he just wanted to hear others say it too!

I have had performances when I have felt that I have been total rubbish. Pieces of artwork that look terrible. Cookery dishes that taste skank.

If one person tells me that I can't do something, or I got it wrong, or I didn't achieve my potential.....it destroys my self-confidence. 

I don't lack CONFIDENCE mind. I will happily stand infront of a crowd of people and give a talk, or talk to strangers, or perform onstage. That doesn't faze me.

Its just the belief that I can actually do these things to a high standard.

I hate not living up to someone's expectations. To think that there are people out there looking down their nose at me, or believing what they are doing is right.

More and more I am realising how different I am to the majority of people from my education life. How to some people, NOTHING is as good as university, or NOTHING is as good as a job at 16, or NOTHING is as good as the 6 figure a year salary.

Its THOSE people that put me down. They upset me, sometimes reducing me to tears and making me doubt my decisions. And why should I let them? Why do I let them?

Someone once said to me "The reason you have no friends is because you push everyone away"

I push them away, because they don't accept me for who I am.

Comfort Food!

Goodbye's are always hard, if they are for longer than a few days.

Or maybe i'm just a sensitive person!

My boyfriend has just gone back to uni after an amazing weekend here. We are pretty used to spending time apart, but goodbye's never get any easier! I always shed a little tear or two....

But thank you lord for food! I've already come home and made myself a chocolate fudge cake, it's massive and i'm the only one who is eating it!

I also have ingredients for pancakes! :) So going to have nice thick, fluffy pancakes and maple syrup and blueberries for pudding tonight! And my main meal.....carbohydrates....so cold tuna pasta! :) Lovely

Still wish someone was here to share it with me

Awesome Dude! Ride the Waves!

Hi everyone!


WoW! It's been a while since I made a blog post!
Whats been happening since I last spoke to you guys?


I had another rehearsal! My final one at the specific location in London, and then we move onto a new, outdoor location in Essex.
The choreography is now pretty much down. Most of the routines have been taught to us, I imagine that the next few weeks is going to involve some serious polishing of movements. Many of the dances involve precise movement and timing by everyone. The dance "munchkins" mingle among us, putting right every leg that's out of line or every hand that isn't in the right position.

It's hard work. This last weekend, people were visibly tired by the end of it. It's still an amazing opportunity that I appreciate that I won't ever get again. It's also great being in on the BIG SECRET! I have revealed little if not nothing to most people! The surprise is half of the spectacle! 


I had a disaster with my outfit choice last week. Due to my rather curvy size 14/16 figure, the costume team felt I was too fat for the costumes that most girls were put in.....they instead put me in a boys costume!!! This completely threw me, and destroyed all confidence and concentration. I have since been in touch with someone via email about my concerns, so far not heard anything, but I am well aware of the backlog of emails they must currently have! Fingers crossed though!


I've had my boyfriend staying with me over the weekend, which has been amazing. Just chillin', eating good food and a few (just a few) bottles! Pulled BBQ pork tonight! Damn! He goes back to Uni tomorrow though, boo :(. All on my own again until my family return from America in just over 2 weeks time.


Been chatting to them a bit on SKYPE! Skype is amazing! Seriously! I love being able to see people while I talk, they can show me around the room at least!! I'll get back to Disney World one day!!! In the meantime, I am eyeing up the brochures for Disneyland Paris! :)


Need to get a bit of dosh in my back pocket first!

Don't judge a person by the books they read!

That was meant to flow like
"Don't judge a book by it's cover" although i'm not sure it did!


So, like I have mentioned before, I have been very privileged in where I have been educated my whole life. My first school was chosen by my parents, and then my second (6th form) was selected by me.


I really don't believe that where you where educated makes the blindest bit of difference to someone. More often that not, kids in state schools are coming out with much better GCSE results than those at private school.
My education history shows that up until my A-levels I have achieved nothing lower than a B.  I made sure that the GCSE's I chose were varied and at AS level I had a Science, Humanity and a Creative Arts. I was pushed at GCSE to achieve at least 6 C's in order to secure a place at my chosen 6th form.  


At 6th form, I was just there to get "LIFE EXPERIENCE". That was my goal all along. I wasn't there to get straight A's or to get into university, however this made me seriously in the minority. During careers talks, the school lost interest in me. It was clear to them that I wasn't going to get them onto any league tables, I wasn't going to achieve anything to benefit them. All my friends got valuable careers advice, interview skills and c.v. writing practice. I instead took up a couple of Open University modules in Marine Biology and Fossils/ Evolution. (This did give the school something to shout about, and to this day I am still mentioned and used as an example when the Headmaster talks about this opportunity)


So my 6th form life ended, and all my friends strolled off to university. Many falling flat on their faces only to return a short time later, with me laughing in the background. Over the next 2 years, I went on the achieve 2 Diplomas in Chemistry and Feline Biology both with Merit. I also did work experience at Sealife, as well as continuing my charity shop work.
I tried attending a college to study Animal Management - Level 3, however realised the place wasn't for me, so dropped out after 2 months, BUT continued the course and achieved it 6 months later. 
Since September I have been completing a course in Beauty Therapy, and have recently passed with distinction at level 3, with 2 training days which all adds to my CPD points. I have also joined as a Consultant with the Body Shop at Home, and in 6 months generated sales exceeding £3000. 


Now,
I may not be the "typical" (factory built) university student. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying university on the whole is bad, it's just not right for some people! (me included) It's a predictable path. I never wanted to be on the same road as other people. So far, I have a darn sight more life skills than most of my friends. They are sitting safe within the hold of the university for the next 3 odd years. Some just stacking shelves in Tescos, or others with no job at all. Their qualifications will not always guarantee a job.


People think that because I have no degree, PHD or whatever, that my c.v. is weak. How very very wrong they are! I have skills and evidence to back up those skills. I can claim to be an all rounder and with endless evidence to prove it. I have personality traits that are evident in the work that I have already done.


Education is not THE goal, it is merely a way to help you achieve the goals that YOU want to achieve in life. Don't follow the crowd, stand out! 
Be who you want to be, and not what everyone expects you to be.