Where have i been???

HI EVERYBODY!!!!

Wow, so it has officially been ages since I wrote anything properly on here!! Sorry to have abandoned you all :(

BUT WHAT A SUMMER I HAVE HAD!

The Olympic Opening ceremony was officially amazing. One of the most special things I have ever done. I even managed to see myself on the television which was a bonus.

Then working in London over the Olympics was hard HARD work. Long hours, and on your feet all day, selling programmes in Excel Center. The pay was very rewarding though, even if the general public at that venue where a bit of a nightmare!!

Then to be invited back to do the Paralympic Opening Ceremony was just the icing on the cake. This routine was totally different from the Olympics, and on the whole felt more relaxed. I really only had about 10 rehearsals for this segment. Once again we were onstage for a long time, and yes did catch myself on tv :)

I am a bit sad that I saw so little sport over the summer. Working meant that I missed out on many of Britains sporting highlights, however I did manage to watch AND CHEER Usain Bolt in the 100m finals. EPIC. I did get tickets to a couple of events. I saw Water Polo in the Olynpics, and Para Equestrian and Para Swimming. The paralympic athletes really were an inspiration and it was quite emotional watching them. Talking of athletes, on Monday I went to watch the Athletes parade in London. I was given a special "ceremonies volunteer ticket" along the mall. It was incredible. I have never cheered and clapped so much in my life, and I stood wonderfully close to all of Britains great athletes. 

SO BLIMEY! What a summer!!!!

So what happens to me now??? 
Im back to normality with a massive crash. lol
Currently applying to jobs around the country, just so I can move out and start earning money. I had set my hopes on getting a Beauty Therapy job at Center Parcs, and unfortunately didn't get it. :( BUT never mind, job applications are still rolling.

LATEST NEWS: teehee, mind you many people are going to KILL me for saying this, seeing as I have been so against university in the past.....
- I have decided to try and study for a degree. But being me, I'm not going to take the usual path....
- I have signed up to a degree from the OPEN UNIVERSITY doing Natural Science (BSc), this is going to be a mega challenge for me as although I consider myself to be quite good at Biology and Geography, I'm not so hot at Maths or Physics. 

So where does this take me?
Well I will keep my options open with it. Im not ruling out University for 2013. At least with OU, i have a choice whether to continue studying with them or to convert the course to another University.

I shall keep you posted!!!
ANYWAYS, that was my quick catch up for you all. Will be checking in again soon!
xx

WoW 3000+ views!

Thanks for reading! :o)

Haven't posted on here much lately.

Times are a changin' and things keep moving forward.

I'm sure many of you have read the "leaking" of information about the Olympic Opening Ceremony.I for one was quite surprised upon hearing this information, nothing Danny Boyle said in the interviews was news to me, us volunteers had been told all this information before and we get to see it all happening at rehearsals.I was just surprised that information has been "leaked". We were under such scrutiny to keep everything a secret!!!Mind you, Danny has only revealed a TINY fraction of the ceremony plans. PLEASE don't look at his plans and say "oh how boring, not gonna watch that!". The ceremony will be a celebration of all things British. There will be something in it for everyone and I know you will love it! It is such an honor being a part of it all, and the realisation of the scale of what I am part of is slowly dawning on me!


I can always create a flip side here.

I still have the ongoing battle against university goers. People STILL looking down their noses at me, mind you not much about my life has changed (I did pass my driving test a couple of weeks ago with 2 minors! SO HA BEAT THAT!) 


I'm sure "friends" rather acquaintances will calm down in the next year or two. Most people my age have just completed their uni studies (I defy you to walk into a job in September)
And by next summer the vast majority of people I was around at school will have finished.


SOME DAYS I can get away with saying to myself "I don't need to prove anything to anyone" yet others I think "Oh god i really am a waster".


No I will not be earning a six figure salary, no I may not accept promotions nor even be offered them. No I won't live in a mansion, but hey what is exactly wrong with a council house? And if I change my career every 5 years, there is NOTHING wrong with that. 


Some people need to be careful. I have already turned my back on people that once cared about me, because they couldn't accept my choices, believe me I WILL do it again. < - Man is that UBER bitch or what?! Another UBER bitchy thing I do is to somethings coax things out of people.....let me explain.....
- If someone starts down the old "university is it" road, I will try and coax out their real feelings, usually by pretending that what they are saying either 
a) Doesn't hurt me
b) I pretend to agree with what they are saying, acting as if I have had a "change of heart"


Based on their comments during this conversation I either EMBRACE or DITCH. Be warned people.


But seriously, do NOT let others judge you. Turn your back on people who cannot accept you for who you really are, it's they who have the problem not you!

Confessions of someone who has completely lost their way

My cat heard me crying and came running. Bless her. She doesn't usually, more likely she wants her dinner!
Okay, So I will hold my hands up and admit that I have never been one to control my emotions. I occasionally (like most people) need a bit of a cry.


I'm still stuck in this horrible pit of comparing myself to others. I always have done it, but recently it was all triggered off again by my meal out with old friends about a month ago. Unfortunately it knocked my confidence ALOT, and since then all I ever seem to do is spend my days.....almost longing for my life back again.


So to recap:
Left school at 16 with 9 GCSE's A*-B
Went onto 6th form - 3 AS levels B's and 2 aLevels C,D


I feel that anything I have achieved since then is just bollocks. Every extra qualification i've got, every bit of charity work i've done and every day of work experience I completed has led to nothing, and is appreciated by noone. 


I have a goal for September that I keep on telling people, but it seems good enough for nobody. I doubt myself because of what others say to me. Believe me, being torn between 2 posts is the worst feeling in the world. I walk towards something that I think I want, and that I think is good. But then suddenly i'm pulled in the other direction.
What pulls me that way?
People's comments. It could be anybody. To be honest, the worst people are those who are my own age. People I went to school with. I can think of 1 person in the whole of my 6th form who didn't go to uni (bar myself) and even they haven't exactly made a massive success of themselves, but they seem happy!

 I for one am not happy. 
People say they need the degree for jobs. Money is everything. Pushy Parents. Employers don't look at people with no degrees apparently.....does that mean me?


I'm sick and tired of it. People don't seem to realise how much their comments affect me. They are pushing me backwards when I was trying to move forwards. I gave up so much for my "friends" thinking that I possibly was as important in their lives as they in mine, for about 99.5% of the time I have been proved wrong. And as stated in previous posts, my friend count is now minimal. I have literally got nobody to turn to. 
My head is about to explode under the pressure that I feel i'm under. I even got so worked up earlier that I smashed my frame containing my Beauty Therapy Diploma.......


I have lost my way, and am unbelievably off course. Only 21, yet have so many regrets in life, mainly about my education. AND EDUCATION WAS NEVER THAT IMPORTANT TO ME! See what my bloody 6th form did to me (which by the way, is one of my biggest regrets)


Sometimes I can just pick myself up, but unfortunately the last month, I haven't been able to do that........the world is pushing me back into a hole that I have only just struggled out of

Breakfast Order - 1 Double Chocolate Muffin

Morning All!
Notice the absence of the word "good" here....


I see on the internet all the time, all these pictures claiming "WHAT A DIFFERENCE A WEEK MAKES". There are quite a few around our country at the moment, what with our rather unpredictable British May Weather! But seriously, what a difference a week makes......


I've had a morning of it already, and its only 8:45. A disturbed nights sleep, only because I knew my alarm was set for 7:00am! Had to walk a mile to catch a 8:30 train, which was cancelled, with a slower BUS REPLACEMENT service in place. Seeing as I had a quick turn around anyway at the next station, I thought "sod it", nothing is that important, and so I turned on my heels and walked briskly home, picking up a double chocolate muffin on the way.


Weighing up things in life. Sometimes they are just not worth the effort that you put in.
A job is not worth the money you get. A relationship is not worth the heartache you suffer. A project is not worth the effort you put it.


So many moments in life when one just has enough of something, and just says "SOD IT". Noone else can say it for you, only yourself. 


And boo, i've finished my muffin. At least I have another one! :) 

Waiting Game.......

Monopoly is one of those games that people hate playing, they get bored. It lasts for too long, sometimes a single game can last many sessions of playing!

Life is a game

For some the game can be over quickly, for others the game continues for many years.

In life there are winners and losers

Like Monopoly, we move forward, around the board and back to where we started. Life is a continuous circle, doing the same things each day to keep us ticking along.

Occasionally along the path we will encounter problems, bills, jail (for some!), luck, chance, helping friends etc

We buy and sell properties, making money to pay off bills and rent, more often than not mortgages!

So that was the end of my MONOPOLY, life comparison! lol

But basically life is a game, sometimes a waiting game. People wait for fortune or misfortune to come their way. People wait for others, or wait for something to fall into their lap.

I often think about my life as a waiting game. I'm 21. Some people have already got a business at that age, or are just leaving university, some even have kids.

A 3 year relationship. That's what i'm in. Some people are married after just a year with their partner, others have had multiple partners in 3 years, some are engaged, or some have children. You do sometimes feel like you are in the minority.

 My relationship has been unbelievably hard work! On both parts! Long distances, and completely different family values all contribute to the rocky times. My partner is a school year younger than me, and unfortunately has only just started uni (sep 2011). He is in one of the top universities in this country for his chosen course, and the pressure is on. He is a top achiever however for most of his life "intelligence" has come naturally. Uni work appears to be a massive shock to the system!

So he's one end of the country, and I'm the other. Out of 3 years together.....I have spent.....3 years waiting for him! Yet everytime I believe we will be together, something crops up. A new opportunity. A change of heart. A change of plan. Family.

The feeling of being in love is so amazing, and to be loved is the best feeling in the world and I wouldn't want to lose that for anything! Yet, everytime we are parted, its like a thousand knives being slowly pushed into every part of your body. And any hopes of being "together" are dashed once more.

And so the wait goes on.....the uni course is at least 3 more years. (the equivalent to the amount of time we have already been together)

There are no solutions. There is no answer. I can't give up my life and be with him, and he cannot give up his to be with me. Its the worst place to be stuck in, with no obvious way out.

Tip: For all people out looking for love. Be careful who you fall in love with. Find out as much as you can about them before doing so! Otherwise it'ts just heartache waiting to happen.I didn't find out enough.......and look what a mess i'm in. 

Self-Confidence, can you ever be happy with yourself?

How many times I have used the excuse on people

"I have low self-confidence"

Its so true though! I have always lacked self-confidence. Something that many people around me appear to have in excess!

I believe there is a difference between:

a) Being low in self-confidence

b) Just generally fishing for compliments, knowing that you were good

Those who have crossed my path in life in many different forms have commented on my lack of self-confidence, everything from my P.E teacher saying "She can hit the ball, she needs to believe that she can", to my art teacher "She is talented, she needs to believe it", to my housemistress "You are good at things, your an all rounder, you need to believe in yourself", to my driving instructor "You CAN do it! Stop doubting yourself".

Words that ring in my ears constantly, but never seem to hit me.

WHY?

Well, for every 9 people that tell me I am good at something, there will always be 1 who disagrees. Its the comment from that ONE person that I hear, and I lose the compliments from others.

There was a student at my 6th form, who was an amazing, top class actor, yet he never believed it. However looking back, I really do believe he was fishing for compliments! He knew he was good, he just wanted to hear others say it too!

I have had performances when I have felt that I have been total rubbish. Pieces of artwork that look terrible. Cookery dishes that taste skank.

If one person tells me that I can't do something, or I got it wrong, or I didn't achieve my potential.....it destroys my self-confidence. 

I don't lack CONFIDENCE mind. I will happily stand infront of a crowd of people and give a talk, or talk to strangers, or perform onstage. That doesn't faze me.

Its just the belief that I can actually do these things to a high standard.

I hate not living up to someone's expectations. To think that there are people out there looking down their nose at me, or believing what they are doing is right.

More and more I am realising how different I am to the majority of people from my education life. How to some people, NOTHING is as good as university, or NOTHING is as good as a job at 16, or NOTHING is as good as the 6 figure a year salary.

Its THOSE people that put me down. They upset me, sometimes reducing me to tears and making me doubt my decisions. And why should I let them? Why do I let them?

Someone once said to me "The reason you have no friends is because you push everyone away"

I push them away, because they don't accept me for who I am.

Don't judge a person by the books they read!

That was meant to flow like
"Don't judge a book by it's cover" although i'm not sure it did!


So, like I have mentioned before, I have been very privileged in where I have been educated my whole life. My first school was chosen by my parents, and then my second (6th form) was selected by me.


I really don't believe that where you where educated makes the blindest bit of difference to someone. More often that not, kids in state schools are coming out with much better GCSE results than those at private school.
My education history shows that up until my A-levels I have achieved nothing lower than a B.  I made sure that the GCSE's I chose were varied and at AS level I had a Science, Humanity and a Creative Arts. I was pushed at GCSE to achieve at least 6 C's in order to secure a place at my chosen 6th form.  


At 6th form, I was just there to get "LIFE EXPERIENCE". That was my goal all along. I wasn't there to get straight A's or to get into university, however this made me seriously in the minority. During careers talks, the school lost interest in me. It was clear to them that I wasn't going to get them onto any league tables, I wasn't going to achieve anything to benefit them. All my friends got valuable careers advice, interview skills and c.v. writing practice. I instead took up a couple of Open University modules in Marine Biology and Fossils/ Evolution. (This did give the school something to shout about, and to this day I am still mentioned and used as an example when the Headmaster talks about this opportunity)


So my 6th form life ended, and all my friends strolled off to university. Many falling flat on their faces only to return a short time later, with me laughing in the background. Over the next 2 years, I went on the achieve 2 Diplomas in Chemistry and Feline Biology both with Merit. I also did work experience at Sealife, as well as continuing my charity shop work.
I tried attending a college to study Animal Management - Level 3, however realised the place wasn't for me, so dropped out after 2 months, BUT continued the course and achieved it 6 months later. 
Since September I have been completing a course in Beauty Therapy, and have recently passed with distinction at level 3, with 2 training days which all adds to my CPD points. I have also joined as a Consultant with the Body Shop at Home, and in 6 months generated sales exceeding £3000. 


Now,
I may not be the "typical" (factory built) university student. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying university on the whole is bad, it's just not right for some people! (me included) It's a predictable path. I never wanted to be on the same road as other people. So far, I have a darn sight more life skills than most of my friends. They are sitting safe within the hold of the university for the next 3 odd years. Some just stacking shelves in Tescos, or others with no job at all. Their qualifications will not always guarantee a job.


People think that because I have no degree, PHD or whatever, that my c.v. is weak. How very very wrong they are! I have skills and evidence to back up those skills. I can claim to be an all rounder and with endless evidence to prove it. I have personality traits that are evident in the work that I have already done.


Education is not THE goal, it is merely a way to help you achieve the goals that YOU want to achieve in life. Don't follow the crowd, stand out! 
Be who you want to be, and not what everyone expects you to be. 

The rain rains on the just and the unjust

Morning readers!

Cor, what a rotten day! It's wet and windy and gloomy and just horrible.

My bedroom faces towards the sea, so I always feel the full force of any wind. This morning it sounds like a hurricane outside! The wind whistling and howling loudly, the rain pounding against my windows.

It's a day off for me. A day to write my final essay, to pack up bags for charity and to make sure every possible event of the upcoming weeks is written in my diary. I have taken after my parents, in keeping my diary from last year (for reference). For example, on this day last year I was travelling to Coventry. I was going for an audition at Warwick College the next day, for a place of the performing arts course. I may have been successful in gaining a place, but boy that would have been the wrong thing for me. What a difference a year makes! 

The house feels cold this morning though, sitting on my bed and the duvet underneath me is freezing, not nice. Yet, it's days like this that one can reflect upon life. Plan ahead. Take productive steps to move forward. Looking around my room, this is where I grew up. I've spent the last 21 years of my life in this room (not solidly of course!) and the time is fast approaching to create my own path in the world.

My room is full of tat, really! Everything from my small collection of clothes, and even smaller selection of shoes, to reference books, ornaments and my 3000 strong pin collection. Pictures hidden away in draws that really need to be out on display. Past family, past friends and my general past life. The thought of having to condense this all down in one go was terribly daunting, so, from about December onwards (as this was the time I realised where I wanted my life to go) I have been sorting it all a little at a time. I may set aside an afternoon to do a drawer, or half my wardrobe, or one shelf. We are getting there! Mind you, everytime I vacuum in here it ends up messy again within 48 hours.

This is such a random entry! Let me write some more of my essay and maybe I will think of something better for you guys later!

Have a good day!

Carpe Diem!

Go on, seize it! :P

x <3  x

 

Your not bringing me down!

Reunions can go one of two ways....

1. It's fantastic, lovely to see everybody, all enjoy yourselves, all get along...great!

2. Awkward, people look down on you, not interested......painful!

Last night was a reunion of a small group of girls from my senior school, which I left back in 2007. 

We had a similar, small reunion back in December, and that was lovely. I don't know whether people were high on festivities or what, but that was nice.

Last night, for me, was very different. 

It was lovely to SEE people, but not necessarily so nice to TALK to people. These reunions, so close to when you left (5 years) can be painful. You remember the old days like it was yesterday, yet you have all changed, however not everyone has matured. (there is a difference)

I don't know what people really thought of me at senior school, although I got the impression that they assumed I was a geek, not cool (whatever cool is), teachers pet....or whatever. I was kinda hoping that that "label" they put on me had been taken off, but last night I wasn't convinced.

One BIG BIG BIG mistake I made was to come clean about my studies. Everyone talked about their uni course, or job, or life living with their boyfriends.....and I stupidly mentioned my Beauty Therapy. Now, please bear with me on this one! I went to private school all my life, and unfortunately beauty therapy is not the sort of course that most people from my schools have gone and done. I am not saying it is a course for dumb people, its not! It's bloomin' hard at times!

Particularly my 6th form (where practically no-one knows what i'm studying) beauty therapy would have been frowned upon. Not achieving enough or not aiming high enough or whatever bollocks the Careers team would come up with. So i'm embarrassed to mention it to any of my former 6th form friends, but I thought my senior friends would be more supportive.

Here is the crunch line. The table fell silent when I mentioned beauty therapy. I did notice one or 2 looks from girls as if to say "You? Beauty Therapy? Seriously? Your not pretty!"

I'm not claiming that they WERE thinking that, but that's what it felt like. Not everyone, just maybe the vast majority. 

And it did make me think, why am I sat here giving my free time to be put down? To feel intimidated. It felt like I was actually back at senior school. I often felt intimidated, put down and teased. And last night was the first time I have felt like that. It kinda knocked me for the rest of the night and most of today. I realised that the label I was given over 5 years ago is, in their minds, still stuck to me. 

BUT

I'm determined to not be beaten now. I am out to prove the world wrong. So many people have the wrong idea of me for whatever reason. I've been hiding for the last 18 months behind everybody else, those people have taken a step to the side, they've let me come through, and I believe they want me to push through. And, I, WILL! I'm not letting my past or people from my past get me down. 

 I'm not pretty, but i'm not ugly. I'm not clever, but i'm not stupid. I'm not always right, but i'm also not always wrong. 

*sigh* at least the Apprentice is on tonight! A bit of eye-candy instore. 

To be honest, the people most likely to be reading this are not the ones to blame. 

Temper Snaps

AND GOSH DO I HAVE A SHORT TEMPER!


Most people around me appreciate that I get
a) stressed easily
b) will lose my temper easily

My family have alot of stuff going on atm, a big month long holiday to America in 3 weeks, Olympic plans, and my older brother who is in sheltered living is very unhappy there.


Unfortunately all this has happened at a time when I need support myself.

I'm at an uneasy stage of my life, and have alot that I feel I need to plan in a short space of time. Unfortunately all this planning generally involves other people....either helping me, transport or advice.


Buying a car is not easy. I thought it would be, but it's not.
I'm under pressure to get one as soon as possible, yet there is nothing suitable out there. I know nothing about cars, and so am relying on my father and younger brother to help me, but they can't. They are busy with everything in their lives. Leaving me with not a damn clue....


I'm keeping an eye on the property market. Not looking to buy yet, but just seeing what is out there. Typically, when I don't want a house there are plenty of lovely ones coming and going. You wait, when I want one in September, there will be sweet F A.


I am also very stuck on the last part of my course. it's business related, and I haven't got a clue. I'm trying to do A-level standard business studies with no help.


I guess this is that awful transitional stage in life when someone is old enough to do things on their own, yet hasn't got a bloody clue what they are doing. I'm sure we all get it! University students just have that little extra support of.....oh i don't know....BEING IN A UNIVERSITY to help them. 


Yes people have a worse life than me, but let me wallow in my own gloom for a bit!!!!!!!!!!


Can you tell i'm having a down day?