Self-Confidence, can you ever be happy with yourself?

How many times I have used the excuse on people

"I have low self-confidence"

Its so true though! I have always lacked self-confidence. Something that many people around me appear to have in excess!

I believe there is a difference between:

a) Being low in self-confidence

b) Just generally fishing for compliments, knowing that you were good

Those who have crossed my path in life in many different forms have commented on my lack of self-confidence, everything from my P.E teacher saying "She can hit the ball, she needs to believe that she can", to my art teacher "She is talented, she needs to believe it", to my housemistress "You are good at things, your an all rounder, you need to believe in yourself", to my driving instructor "You CAN do it! Stop doubting yourself".

Words that ring in my ears constantly, but never seem to hit me.

WHY?

Well, for every 9 people that tell me I am good at something, there will always be 1 who disagrees. Its the comment from that ONE person that I hear, and I lose the compliments from others.

There was a student at my 6th form, who was an amazing, top class actor, yet he never believed it. However looking back, I really do believe he was fishing for compliments! He knew he was good, he just wanted to hear others say it too!

I have had performances when I have felt that I have been total rubbish. Pieces of artwork that look terrible. Cookery dishes that taste skank.

If one person tells me that I can't do something, or I got it wrong, or I didn't achieve my potential.....it destroys my self-confidence. 

I don't lack CONFIDENCE mind. I will happily stand infront of a crowd of people and give a talk, or talk to strangers, or perform onstage. That doesn't faze me.

Its just the belief that I can actually do these things to a high standard.

I hate not living up to someone's expectations. To think that there are people out there looking down their nose at me, or believing what they are doing is right.

More and more I am realising how different I am to the majority of people from my education life. How to some people, NOTHING is as good as university, or NOTHING is as good as a job at 16, or NOTHING is as good as the 6 figure a year salary.

Its THOSE people that put me down. They upset me, sometimes reducing me to tears and making me doubt my decisions. And why should I let them? Why do I let them?

Someone once said to me "The reason you have no friends is because you push everyone away"

I push them away, because they don't accept me for who I am.