Self-Confidence, can you ever be happy with yourself?

How many times I have used the excuse on people

"I have low self-confidence"

Its so true though! I have always lacked self-confidence. Something that many people around me appear to have in excess!

I believe there is a difference between:

a) Being low in self-confidence

b) Just generally fishing for compliments, knowing that you were good

Those who have crossed my path in life in many different forms have commented on my lack of self-confidence, everything from my P.E teacher saying "She can hit the ball, she needs to believe that she can", to my art teacher "She is talented, she needs to believe it", to my housemistress "You are good at things, your an all rounder, you need to believe in yourself", to my driving instructor "You CAN do it! Stop doubting yourself".

Words that ring in my ears constantly, but never seem to hit me.

WHY?

Well, for every 9 people that tell me I am good at something, there will always be 1 who disagrees. Its the comment from that ONE person that I hear, and I lose the compliments from others.

There was a student at my 6th form, who was an amazing, top class actor, yet he never believed it. However looking back, I really do believe he was fishing for compliments! He knew he was good, he just wanted to hear others say it too!

I have had performances when I have felt that I have been total rubbish. Pieces of artwork that look terrible. Cookery dishes that taste skank.

If one person tells me that I can't do something, or I got it wrong, or I didn't achieve my potential.....it destroys my self-confidence. 

I don't lack CONFIDENCE mind. I will happily stand infront of a crowd of people and give a talk, or talk to strangers, or perform onstage. That doesn't faze me.

Its just the belief that I can actually do these things to a high standard.

I hate not living up to someone's expectations. To think that there are people out there looking down their nose at me, or believing what they are doing is right.

More and more I am realising how different I am to the majority of people from my education life. How to some people, NOTHING is as good as university, or NOTHING is as good as a job at 16, or NOTHING is as good as the 6 figure a year salary.

Its THOSE people that put me down. They upset me, sometimes reducing me to tears and making me doubt my decisions. And why should I let them? Why do I let them?

Someone once said to me "The reason you have no friends is because you push everyone away"

I push them away, because they don't accept me for who I am.

Don't judge a person by the books they read!

That was meant to flow like
"Don't judge a book by it's cover" although i'm not sure it did!


So, like I have mentioned before, I have been very privileged in where I have been educated my whole life. My first school was chosen by my parents, and then my second (6th form) was selected by me.


I really don't believe that where you where educated makes the blindest bit of difference to someone. More often that not, kids in state schools are coming out with much better GCSE results than those at private school.
My education history shows that up until my A-levels I have achieved nothing lower than a B.  I made sure that the GCSE's I chose were varied and at AS level I had a Science, Humanity and a Creative Arts. I was pushed at GCSE to achieve at least 6 C's in order to secure a place at my chosen 6th form.  


At 6th form, I was just there to get "LIFE EXPERIENCE". That was my goal all along. I wasn't there to get straight A's or to get into university, however this made me seriously in the minority. During careers talks, the school lost interest in me. It was clear to them that I wasn't going to get them onto any league tables, I wasn't going to achieve anything to benefit them. All my friends got valuable careers advice, interview skills and c.v. writing practice. I instead took up a couple of Open University modules in Marine Biology and Fossils/ Evolution. (This did give the school something to shout about, and to this day I am still mentioned and used as an example when the Headmaster talks about this opportunity)


So my 6th form life ended, and all my friends strolled off to university. Many falling flat on their faces only to return a short time later, with me laughing in the background. Over the next 2 years, I went on the achieve 2 Diplomas in Chemistry and Feline Biology both with Merit. I also did work experience at Sealife, as well as continuing my charity shop work.
I tried attending a college to study Animal Management - Level 3, however realised the place wasn't for me, so dropped out after 2 months, BUT continued the course and achieved it 6 months later. 
Since September I have been completing a course in Beauty Therapy, and have recently passed with distinction at level 3, with 2 training days which all adds to my CPD points. I have also joined as a Consultant with the Body Shop at Home, and in 6 months generated sales exceeding £3000. 


Now,
I may not be the "typical" (factory built) university student. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying university on the whole is bad, it's just not right for some people! (me included) It's a predictable path. I never wanted to be on the same road as other people. So far, I have a darn sight more life skills than most of my friends. They are sitting safe within the hold of the university for the next 3 odd years. Some just stacking shelves in Tescos, or others with no job at all. Their qualifications will not always guarantee a job.


People think that because I have no degree, PHD or whatever, that my c.v. is weak. How very very wrong they are! I have skills and evidence to back up those skills. I can claim to be an all rounder and with endless evidence to prove it. I have personality traits that are evident in the work that I have already done.


Education is not THE goal, it is merely a way to help you achieve the goals that YOU want to achieve in life. Don't follow the crowd, stand out! 
Be who you want to be, and not what everyone expects you to be. 

Your not bringing me down!

Reunions can go one of two ways....

1. It's fantastic, lovely to see everybody, all enjoy yourselves, all get along...great!

2. Awkward, people look down on you, not interested......painful!

Last night was a reunion of a small group of girls from my senior school, which I left back in 2007. 

We had a similar, small reunion back in December, and that was lovely. I don't know whether people were high on festivities or what, but that was nice.

Last night, for me, was very different. 

It was lovely to SEE people, but not necessarily so nice to TALK to people. These reunions, so close to when you left (5 years) can be painful. You remember the old days like it was yesterday, yet you have all changed, however not everyone has matured. (there is a difference)

I don't know what people really thought of me at senior school, although I got the impression that they assumed I was a geek, not cool (whatever cool is), teachers pet....or whatever. I was kinda hoping that that "label" they put on me had been taken off, but last night I wasn't convinced.

One BIG BIG BIG mistake I made was to come clean about my studies. Everyone talked about their uni course, or job, or life living with their boyfriends.....and I stupidly mentioned my Beauty Therapy. Now, please bear with me on this one! I went to private school all my life, and unfortunately beauty therapy is not the sort of course that most people from my schools have gone and done. I am not saying it is a course for dumb people, its not! It's bloomin' hard at times!

Particularly my 6th form (where practically no-one knows what i'm studying) beauty therapy would have been frowned upon. Not achieving enough or not aiming high enough or whatever bollocks the Careers team would come up with. So i'm embarrassed to mention it to any of my former 6th form friends, but I thought my senior friends would be more supportive.

Here is the crunch line. The table fell silent when I mentioned beauty therapy. I did notice one or 2 looks from girls as if to say "You? Beauty Therapy? Seriously? Your not pretty!"

I'm not claiming that they WERE thinking that, but that's what it felt like. Not everyone, just maybe the vast majority. 

And it did make me think, why am I sat here giving my free time to be put down? To feel intimidated. It felt like I was actually back at senior school. I often felt intimidated, put down and teased. And last night was the first time I have felt like that. It kinda knocked me for the rest of the night and most of today. I realised that the label I was given over 5 years ago is, in their minds, still stuck to me. 

BUT

I'm determined to not be beaten now. I am out to prove the world wrong. So many people have the wrong idea of me for whatever reason. I've been hiding for the last 18 months behind everybody else, those people have taken a step to the side, they've let me come through, and I believe they want me to push through. And, I, WILL! I'm not letting my past or people from my past get me down. 

 I'm not pretty, but i'm not ugly. I'm not clever, but i'm not stupid. I'm not always right, but i'm also not always wrong. 

*sigh* at least the Apprentice is on tonight! A bit of eye-candy instore. 

To be honest, the people most likely to be reading this are not the ones to blame. 

School Yearbooks, Life Goes On

So I'm currently going through that awful stage of knowing that i'm moving out over the summer to live on my own.
Its a "not so wonderful" time of a young person's life. You see it alot in movies, and people talk about it in a way that is so glammed up, so not real life, that when it actually all happens, it's a massive shock. Bills, food, cleaning, rent are all things that are rather skimmed over in movies! Young, immature people are forced to grow up VERY quickly in order to survive.


So, i'm going through my draws, wardrobe...making rather large piles titled:
"Ebay" "Charity Shop" and "Rubbish"

I have a mirrored chest of draws, that hopefully I will be taking with me, but the contents mostly has to go. Within the cluttered draws I found my yearbook from when I left 6th form in 2009, only 3 years ago, but how life has changed in those 3 years. 
While flicking through the book and smiling to myself at some of the photos, I came to the "Signatures and Comments" page. Now, most of these pages where filled in when I wasn't present, as I chose to stay with my boyfriend in Center Parcs rather than go to the summer ball. This was the best decision I ever made, as that night (our first night together for 9 months) was the most special night of my life. Nothing has ever topped it before or since. I grew up at Center Parcs, and so taking him there was so special to me. We'd been together 9 months prior to the trip, and as mentioned it was our first night together. The first real moment I ever felt in love.


Anyway, so my book was filled in by everyone in my absence. 
It's strange looking back at the comments. It's tough to work out how genuine some of them where. 
People promising to stay in touch, be friends forever, missing me.....I look at them now and they don't care.
People move on. You never believe it when you are actually in a situation, Good-bye is the hardest word to say, yet 3 years down the line, I never speak to these people. And tbh don't want to see half of them anyway!!


People change. Grow Up. Move On. Meet new people. It's all part of life. However there is always this twinge of sadness, when someone you were really close to moves on too. I once heard a thing from my mother, she said how most people will go through their entire life and be able to count their true friends on 1 hand!! Scary. I'm 21, and so far can count no-one. I have friends I like to occasionally talk to, and perhaps see 1-2 a year, but I have no-one in my life I can actually truly call a friend. And that is horrible. All those signatures in the book, all those people in my life.......moved on.


I guess the one that stuck out most was that of my boyfriend. We sat on the last day of term, and I handed him my yearbook to write in. I genuinely wasn't expecting him to write much (he hates writing) but I was hoping for an "I love you" at the least! He was a year younger than me, and so he had to get through a year without me being there. And God I felt guilty! He was just about to embark on the trip of a lifetime to do charity work in Malawi, and we knew we were not going to see each other for 6 weeks! Later in our relationship 6 weeks was nothing, as we ended up going months on end without seeing each other. And I was about to embark on.......my life. That was it, school was over for me. I was to find my own direction, yet I was determined never to leave the love of my life behind. This is what he wrote,
"I love you so much and I always will no matter what happens i'm never letting you go. We have done so much together and these memories I am going to have them for the rest of my life. You are so special to me and I will never ever forget you. You are a part of me now and nobody is going to separate us. Thank you for always being there for me when I need you and loving me even when i'm being odd. I never ever want to leave you, I hate being apart from you and am always looking forward to seeing you again.
I love you so bloody much and I can't wait to go to Disneyland and definitely have a proper mud fight at Center Parcs. And I can't wait til we have proper snuggles again, you have no idea the feeling of love that gave. I will love you forever and ever, I will always be there if you need me, if not next to you, with you in some other way. I love you so bloody much"
Obviously i'm not sitting here dissing him, I still love him. But it shows that people really do move on. I couldn't have even imagined a life without him, yet now I have no choice. We did go to Disneyland together the following year, we also took many trips to Center Parcs and just made so many more memories. Which probably makes all this so much harder.
 He was kind of right when he said "nobody will separate us". It's true, I separated us. I didn't grow up quick enough, I stayed a child for too long and it cost me dearly. He believe he loved me, whether he still does now I don't think so. I was there for him, and yes he was "odd" at times but it never ever stopped me. And never will. He may never have wanted to leave me, but about 28 months later, he did. And the saddest part, "I will always be there if you need me".....he's not. 


I can only hope that he does never forget me. 
Life goes on, the only way I can go, is forward. Yet for most of the journey, I will always be looking back.