Its a "not so wonderful" time of a young person's life. You see it alot in movies, and people talk about it in a way that is so glammed up, so not real life, that when it actually all happens, it's a massive shock. Bills, food, cleaning, rent are all things that are rather skimmed over in movies! Young, immature people are forced to grow up VERY quickly in order to survive.
So, i'm going through my draws, wardrobe...making rather large piles titled:
"Ebay" "Charity Shop" and "Rubbish"
While flicking through the book and smiling to myself at some of the photos, I came to the "Signatures and Comments" page. Now, most of these pages where filled in when I wasn't present, as I chose to stay with my boyfriend in Center Parcs rather than go to the summer ball. This was the best decision I ever made, as that night (our first night together for 9 months) was the most special night of my life. Nothing has ever topped it before or since. I grew up at Center Parcs, and so taking him there was so special to me. We'd been together 9 months prior to the trip, and as mentioned it was our first night together. The first real moment I ever felt in love.
Anyway, so my book was filled in by everyone in my absence.
It's strange looking back at the comments. It's tough to work out how genuine some of them where.
People promising to stay in touch, be friends forever, missing me.....I look at them now and they don't care.
People move on. You never believe it when you are actually in a situation, Good-bye is the hardest word to say, yet 3 years down the line, I never speak to these people. And tbh don't want to see half of them anyway!!
People change. Grow Up. Move On. Meet new people. It's all part of life. However there is always this twinge of sadness, when someone you were really close to moves on too. I once heard a thing from my mother, she said how most people will go through their entire life and be able to count their true friends on 1 hand!! Scary. I'm 21, and so far can count no-one. I have friends I like to occasionally talk to, and perhaps see 1-2 a year, but I have no-one in my life I can actually truly call a friend. And that is horrible. All those signatures in the book, all those people in my life.......moved on.
I guess the one that stuck out most was that of my boyfriend. We sat on the last day of term, and I handed him my yearbook to write in. I genuinely wasn't expecting him to write much (he hates writing) but I was hoping for an "I love you" at the least! He was a year younger than me, and so he had to get through a year without me being there. And God I felt guilty! He was just about to embark on the trip of a lifetime to do charity work in Malawi, and we knew we were not going to see each other for 6 weeks! Later in our relationship 6 weeks was nothing, as we ended up going months on end without seeing each other. And I was about to embark on.......my life. That was it, school was over for me. I was to find my own direction, yet I was determined never to leave the love of my life behind. This is what he wrote,
"I love you so much and I always will no matter what happens i'm never letting you go. We have done so much together and these memories I am going to have them for the rest of my life. You are so special to me and I will never ever forget you. You are a part of me now and nobody is going to separate us. Thank you for always being there for me when I need you and loving me even when i'm being odd. I never ever want to leave you, I hate being apart from you and am always looking forward to seeing you again.
I love you so bloody much and I can't wait to go to Disneyland and definitely have a proper mud fight at Center Parcs. And I can't wait til we have proper snuggles again, you have no idea the feeling of love that gave. I will love you forever and ever, I will always be there if you need me, if not next to you, with you in some other way. I love you so bloody much"
Obviously i'm not sitting here dissing him, I still love him. But it shows that people really do move on. I couldn't have even imagined a life without him, yet now I have no choice. We did go to Disneyland together the following year, we also took many trips to Center Parcs and just made so many more memories. Which probably makes all this so much harder.
He was kind of right when he said "nobody will separate us". It's true, I separated us. I didn't grow up quick enough, I stayed a child for too long and it cost me dearly. He believe he loved me, whether he still does now I don't think so. I was there for him, and yes he was "odd" at times but it never ever stopped me. And never will. He may never have wanted to leave me, but about 28 months later, he did. And the saddest part, "I will always be there if you need me".....he's not.
I can only hope that he does never forget me.
Life goes on, the only way I can go, is forward. Yet for most of the journey, I will always be looking back.
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