Okay, so I won't sleep until I post this

I'm sorry but I won't
I have got EVERY emotion whirring around my head at the moment. Life in the last couple of days has bought me up against some real shit from my past life. And tonight, was not shit, but merely....a painful reminder of my past.
Firstly, someone who I have blocked on my facebook, SOMEHOW (and I REALLY don't know how because i've put so many privacy settings on my account) started messaging me. Rather forcefully. I've wanted this person out of my life, because they were just a reminder of the fucked up things that happened in my past, that have essentially lead to the position i'm in now. So I wan't prepared for their backlash at me tonight.....to which I totally ignored all incoming messages as I knew getting into an arguement would make life worse.


After which, i'm cleaning through my inbox, and find an old message from January this year. For respect, I will not go into this story as it's just personal for me, but you know who you are.....yes it's hurt me, but like I said "none of my business". It just came at a bad time I guess.


I'm also very nervous for my rehearsals starting on Sunday. I will be so depressed if I get there only to be confronted with skinny, leg warmer wearing professional dancers. I'm not up to that!


My head is confused. Leading a false life for so long, and then as soon as I embark on what I want to do I'm faced with doubt from friends, family and worst of all myself. I've had messages of support since my blog entry on Wednesday, and I really appreciate them x  I'm without a friend that I can ACTUALLY talk to though, I know people have said to me that they will listen, but they won't. To me there was only one person in my life who actually could help (even if they did nothing) Yet  now, they apparently see "No change" in me, which I just don't understand, and it makes me wonder why I bother. 
That was actually one of the worst things anyone has EVER said to me. Said by one of the closest people to me. I'm almost just in shock, I believed I was doing so well......yet i'm still not good enough


This blog has become my diary. You the readers literally see my complete ups and my sudden downs. I have nowhere else to express my anger, confusion, sadness and even lonliness. Yes I could write this on a piece of paper and throw it away, but actually there are people out there that I want to read this.....I need their help but i'm too scared to ask anymore for they can reject me, yet feel bad about rejecting a friend request on facebook from someone else....


Tonight has just been a reminder of what I no longer have. And it's hearbreaking. :'( It's going to be a night full of tears. I have been strong for the last 3 months, yet i've just run out of strength right now......